My husband has been out for over a week and he took my laptop. I know it’s a terrible excuse to say I’m not writing my book but the truth is that I had written one of my characters as someone with PASSIONATE FAITH.
Sadly, I have NONE.
How can I continue to write about someone whose very EXISTENCE depends on wanting to be immersed in the Lord? I honestly don’t know what that’s even LIKE anymore.
I have Faith in God, and in Jesus as my Savior. The circuits in my head aren’t connecting with the tiny embers in my heart. Do I truly BELIEVE? Or am I merely NODDING my head and going through my prayers, pretending that I’m in a good place in my Faith?
No. Yes. Maybe?
I don’t know……
I’ve stepped foot in a church multiple times. I’ve sat in the pews, listened to the sermons, and prayed the same prayers.
But the DESIRE and NEED to enter a place of worship; the PULL for the divinity has all but vanished. At this point, I’m going through the motions.
I know there IS still SOMETHING there. A small spark for my Lord. Otherwise, I wouldn’t feel the need to be blogging about it, or praying about, or seeking small women’s Bible studies longing for that spark to consume me. And I do need to be consumed. I know that in my prayers, however lack luster they may be still has that PASSION for the LORD.
SOMETIMES HOARDING IS GOOD.
I stick pieces of papers in between pages of books. There are post-its everywhere and have notes written on the margins of my Bible; these are evidence of my faith – once upon a time. This time, I didn’t know where to look. I leafed through the back to see where I can find a verse of faith. There was this piece of paper from my old Bible studying days about God’s Final Promise. During that particular study, we were supposed to read Hosea 14.
Hosea 14 urges that Israel to return to the Lord (how fitting in my current state). Verse 2 states to “Take words with you and return to the Lord. Say to him: Forgive us all our sins and receive us graciously, that we may offer the fruit of our lips.”
Words? Take words with me? All I have are words. Pretty words written on pieces of paper that don’t stir my heart the same way they did YEARS ago. I need more than words but here is my prayer for the night.
Lord, I pray for my faith; that I may RETURN to You.
I pray for the “big picture” in all of this. I pray that You paint what I can’t even IMAGINE and what I can’t even SEE for myself and for my family.
I pray for this book – that I may continue to write about love, hope, FAITH and Your Grace and goodness and that by doing so, I pray that I find mine. In Your name, I pray. Amen.
……….what’s keeping YOU from the Lord? Pray with me.