“What will I wear tomorrow?”
I use to go through the days saying to myself, “I think I can, I think I can.” Now, I get by with, “I KNOW I can!” This boost of confidence didn’t just come over night. I use to beat myself up a lot because of my insecurities. When I was younger I use to be an introvert. I didn’t like crowds (though I’d wish to be apart of some social events) and being around family felt awkward most times. I was the silent-keep everything inside-don’t let it show-hardly smiled type of girl. I was happy about it to. No one really bothered me. I liked it that way; it gave me more time to think. I’ve always felt judged; still do. I use to judge others in fear of other judgments upon me. Finding myself was hard. I struggled with my identity and trying to figure out who I wanted to be. I had a few “close” friends but still often felt like the odd ball. Why? I don’t know! I have idea’s but no facts. I have journeyed a long way since then. My husband makes me feel beautiful. He loves me despite…Me. We connect in ways I NEVER imagined could happen. God had found favor in us. And now, since becoming a mother I have more confidence in my abilities and hold myself to a higher standard.
There are still those off beat moments where I feel dazed and confused. There are days when I wake up and ask myself, “What will today be like?Do I even want to go through with today? If so, “What will I wear?” Will I wear a smile? Frown? Will I be irritated? Am I going to let life get to me? Or will I put on those cute high heels and walk by faith? Lately, I’ve been choosing my heels and a smile. I have been made new! I proclaim it! I still have problems, but those problems do not own me. I get frustrated still, but God is the first to step in and save me from my own retribution before I am overwhelmed by it. I no longer need to beat myself up over past insecurities, people’s judgments, minor set backs. I literally do not have time for that. If I constantly did then I’d be in a puddle of tears and disgust every-day. I choose how I spend my time. I choose rather or not I will wear that smile or become exasperated because someone doesn’t see eye to eye with me. I am the conqueror of my own emotions. If I ever feel I am right in a situation, I’ll draw back and remain silent. Because the devil is sly. He loves a good argument and sets the path for destruction. I still am passionate about choices I make but they are my own. If I feel like the day just isn’t going well, I suck it up and proceed til the end. I’ll cry it out later in the shower if need be. If someone makes me feel less then who I am or questions my abilities I tell myself “I KNOW I can.” I have noticed a big difference in my thinking and the way I thought about certain things a year or two ago. I am more open to people who sincerely are capable of an understanding-honest friendship, who possess a youthful and positive exuberance about God,life and family. That’s who I am now. That’s who I want to surround myself with. Every one rides their own roller coaster. Life chooses the speed and height of that coaster but we have the choice of getting off when we feel like we’ve had enough. And I’ve had enough! I will choose my next ride and I will say when I’ve had enough. I will wear my smile,heels, and buckle up for what ever thrill I am to experience. After all, I’m all for the experience.
Proverbs 31:25 New Living Translation (NLT)
25 “She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and she laughs without fear of the future.“