I had my first panic attack when I was 20. I think it was around the time I was sitting in microbiology class, thinking how none of what the professor was saying was interesting, and being overcome with “I don’t want to be a nurse.”
I’m Asian. And we “tend” to do what our parents tell us. My parents paid for my school and told me nursing. That was that. My future planned for me. I just had to get myself from point A – college kid – to point B – BSN.
And sitting in that crowded lecture hall at Texas Woman’s University (TWU), I just knew I couldn’t do it. So I felt stuck. Do I continue to be the good, dutiful daughter or do could I follow my dream? WHATEVER that was.
Suddenly, not even knowing what I’m supposed to do, who I was supposed to be when that was all decided for me, and then not being able to talk to my parents about it, started stressing me out. I sought out a counselor, and did a few sessions but I couldn’t even voice out loud what was in my heart.
As a result, I felt trapped in my own life.
One of the most wonderful things happened somewhere in that darkness. I befriended a girl at TWU. And she told me to go to Jesus.
1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on Him because he care for you.
In my anxiousness, I needed an anchor.
I needed a focus.
I needed a light.
Over time, I don’t use His light nearly as often as I should. I found a bit of comfort in the darkness this summer during my postpartum season, and that scared me.
My anxiety is a constant battle but it’s my anxiety that also brings me to Him.
It’s not that I have less faith or need more of Him. He is my light. My constant.
One day, I’d like to know what it feels like to not have to make a mental checklist, or do a breakdown of the day’s event, and taking account of any or all deviations. I’d like to know what it feels like to be spontaneous. I’d also like to know what it’s like to not have to mentally prepare for anything. Being surprised. Furthermore, actually enjoy not knowing what’s next.
I’d like to know what it feels like to freely love on Christ. And not needing to constantly use Him to pull me out of darkness. But then again, who would I be? I like being an Anxious Christian. There’s a comfort there that I can’t even begin to explain.