On a normal day in July, my heart was broken in the most absolute worst way. I had a routine visit checking on our little baby at 14 weeks. These visits were no big deal after 4 kids to just go in and check the growth and heartbeat. I didn’t even think to mention that I had an appointment to my friends or family; I just loaded up my kids to go in and just listen to our little one squirming around for a second. Except when the doctor put the little wand on my stomach we didn’t hear anything. “Don’t worry, they move around a lot” is what she said, but instant worry drowned me. We casually walked to the ultrasound room and up popped a picture of our baby. The one we had plans for.
Staring at the baby’s perfect profile the kids shot questions “why isn’t the baby kicking?”. The room fell silent and the doctor was so afraid to even speak but I knew. I didn’t see a flicker where the heart was. I kept staring and praying so desperately for that heartbeat to come back, but it didn’t. When you have other children, and experience a loss many say to be thankful for the kids that are here and you absolutely are. They are now somewhat survivors, strong little hearts here on earth; but that doesn’t change the devastation for the one heart that’s no longer there.
I can only imagine that this is what God feels every single second. He is grateful for the hearts that belong to him. The ones He made plans for and are carrying them out, but that does not change the heartbreak he experiences when one of His children’s hearts are somewhere else. The absolute hopelessness that He must experience when the plans He made for us no longer seem feasible, but He will seek those hearts tirelessly.
“What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains and go in search of the one that went astray? And if he finds it, truly, I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that never went astray. So it is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish.” Matthew 18:12-14
I would have sought that little heartbeat until my own gave out and although I am so thankful that the first face he saw was that of Jesus, I will always grieve over him not being in my arms. Your children can be completely safe and happy but when they can’t be with you, it’s a sadness that cannot be compared. Jesus loves the hearts that are with Him but he rejoices when hearts that are lost start flickering again. It’s not that the heart of faithful followers isn’t important, it’s that a heart that comes back to their Father is a victory. The joy that triumphs throughout Heaven must be spectacular.