As I was doing dishes in the kitchen, a dish fell and shattered, as it did I burst into tears. There was nothing else I could do in that moment, in two short weeks I had become so helpless and become to feel so hopeless. I mean having a disease and going to doctors I had gotten used to, but I had always been able to push past the bad days. Always been able to handle taking care of my kids, my house, and my family regardless. Now I hear words like paralysis, not hopeful, atrophy, blood clots, and so on. My life has become a foreign shell of what it was in two weeks.
At first remaining hopeful was easy. “Okay God this feels different, but it could very well be another attack. I trust that you will fully heal me.” Turned into more nervous prayers. “God this is the longest it has ever been, and I am in horrible pain, I have been taking my meds every day 3 times, please please heal me.” This turned into the desperate plea “God I am in SO much pain, I want to walk SO badly, and I want to feel again. I am desperate and ready to be healed again. I am begging you for healing.” Until I heard God’s voice clear as day one of the nights I was sitting up crying out to him in pain. “Trust me, my Child.” “But God this is so hard. This is the most painful thing I have ever endured, on top of it I can’t walk, and when I want to do anything I have to call other people.” The same answer “Trust me, my Child.” I was up the rest of that night arguing with God that I wanted him to heal me, that I didn’t want this trial. After all, I have had my fair share of trials in my life I should get a pass.
- When this very long night had passed, I got my kids breakfast and decided to open my Bible. I wanted to read about people who have endured great trials throughout history in the Bible. I wanted to know how they handled themselves, did they ever feel like giving up, were they ever scared, how did they respond to God? I longed to know while in this particular trial how I can make myself closer to God and farther from this anger I am feeling for being in the situation I’m in.
The first one that stuck out to me was Ruth. Ruth this beautiful, strong, fearless woman of God. Ruth’s husband died and instead of going back to her family as was customary in her time she followed her mother in law and then bravely looked for work to provide for her and her mother in law. All of this because she had such great faith in the God her husband had introduced her to that she chose (Ruth 1-4 NLT) to obey him. In this day; it was not customary for a woman to work to support her family, she had to be scared about what would happen to her, but if you read the story God protects and provides above and beyond the entire way. It’s heartwarming and incredible.
The next story I read that really hit me is one many of us that grew up in church know. Jonah. God calls on him to minister to a city he doesn’t want to minister to. So by fear he runs and gets swallowed up by a whale. I won’t spoil the ending, let’s just say Jonah and God work things out. The last one I read is in Joshua 14 (NLT) There was a young boy named Caleb. Caleb stood and stayed in a land that some very terrifying people lived in because the land was promised to his people. He stayed even when 10 others had left. Because of his faithfulness, God protected him and rewarded him handsomely.
After spending a considerable amount of time in my bible and some more time in prayer I came to one conclusion. God may heal me; he also may choose not to. I am at peace with that, because whatever is done or not done, there is a plan. That plan will undoubtedly not only greaten the kingdom of God but better my life. I’ve also come to the conclusion that with some practice and the right people helping you living in a wheelchair isn’t so bad.