About a year and a half ago, I was coasting through life. I went to church, but my husband and I had withdrawn from being so active. I was still at home with my kids and I was just coasting and I wasn’t really aware of it. Then one day when my husband and I were fighting he text me to say he was leaving me. In two seconds my entire world came crashing down around me. Every lie I had crafted so perfectly so people thought my marriage and family were fine, were staring back at me and I had no idea why. I was devastated and he said, “He just couldn’t any more”. I didn’t understand, I had stayed through so much and for what I thought was for no reason he was leaving me.
No reason soon turned out to be a woman he had met at work six months earlier. Though I will spare you the details, our separation was ugly. For most of our marriage, I hid my husband’s anger problems and told myself that if someone hit you once every six months it was not abuse, and I would have never left him because I lied to myself. As I began therapy, I was sent to a specialist that deals with PTSD and woman abuse. The reason I had picked my ex-husband was because he was exactly like a host of father figures I had growing up.
As I began working through this initially there was panic, the things that caused me to pick my ex-husband in the first place were things I tried so hard to keep buried. In high school, that had been easy enough, boys, drama, and whatever else, but that wasn’t going to cut it this time. I had two people looking up to me to be different, two people depending on me to love them the way I knew God loved me. So I threw myself into God knowing that if I couldn’t save my marriage or my husband I could save myself and my kids, and in the process, I fell in love with God.
I threw myself into God’s Word. I read it when I woke up, before I went to sleep, and any other time I could get my hands on it. I blew through workbooks, I listened to worship continually, and I don’t think there was a minute in the day that I wasn’t praying or seeking God’s strength and wisdom. Through all of that, God shined healing and love into my heart.”For I know the Plan I have for you,”’ declares the Lord’, “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future”(Jeremiah 29:11, NIV) . This verse has become very dear to my heart.
Through all of that, God shined healing and love into my heart.”For I know the Plan I have for you,”’ declares the Lord’, “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future”(Jeremiah 29:11, NIV) . This verse has become very dear to my heart.
God may not have planned a lot of the things that have happened in my life but he is a really radical God. My life has changed 10 fold from when I was married to my ex-husband. Yes, at moments my fear is still there and yes I go through storms just as everyone else does but I have a God to walk with me through it. When I was going through my divorce one thing no one could understand is why I didn’t want to play dirty, even when it seemed he wanted to.
To me, the perfect evidence of Christ’s love is when someone wrongs you, and you see no good in harming them back. Truly, you just want to see them rescued from their hurt. God has changed my heart, and I so badly want to see people rescued from their hurt like I was rescued. More or equally important I have the peace of mind and strength in my heart to never walk back into a relationship where I am demeaned, talked down to, abused, or hurt. God rescued me from so much more than a bad marriage, he rescued me from a repeated life cycle of abuse and repression and delivered me into truth and love.